5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
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Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
How does one answer this?
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.