Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
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Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?