“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
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Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.