911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
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Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Me too
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad