obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
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Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Kids, do not try this at home!
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later