So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
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I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.