Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
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It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!