If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
You Might Also Like
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.