I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
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I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Every. Damn. Time.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school