Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
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All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?