A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
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GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?