Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
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when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”