When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
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I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.