*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
that de-escalated quickly
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.