Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
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Me trying to walk in a dream
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.