As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
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Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia