Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
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I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.