*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
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Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit