Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
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From my Mom
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
The USS B port
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11