My therapist after every session
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Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I’ve had relationships like this
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”