hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?