I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
You Might Also Like
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
My spirit animal is fried chicken
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …