[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
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[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
This makes total sense…
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
We need to put an American base on the sun
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”