Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
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If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.