Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
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my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure