If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
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This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns