*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
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*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.