WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
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Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.