Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
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Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Had an epiphany today.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.