*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
You Might Also Like
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Stop.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????