I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
You Might Also Like
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
pls suprot
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.