Golf would be better with landmines.
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“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it鈥檚 not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Caller ID isn鈥檛 enough for Me I need to know why you鈥檙e calling.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Oh my God.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
馃槼
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.