I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
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The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Me when my alarm goes off
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Pretty much. 🤣
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway