You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
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I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Fries, not lies.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’