When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
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Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Saturday
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
These are my roll models.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”