Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
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Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.