You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
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Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later: