[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
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In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Stop it! 😂
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.