Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
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Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.