I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
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For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
not to brag, but mine was free
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.