‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
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Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that