my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
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[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Was it something I said?
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.