Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
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Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
wtf is a larm clock?
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.