There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
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Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
My first child will be named New Folder.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
how high up are we talkin’?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.