Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
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I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Krampus.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*