My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
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Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.