Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
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I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
How to draw a duck
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone