chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
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My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Wednesday
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
You had me at “define legal”.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this