[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
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so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
What if all the cashiers are married?
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”