A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
You Might Also Like
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
courtroom exchange of the day
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT